Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
