If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
