She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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