somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
