I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
