Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
