I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
