I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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