If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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