and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
