the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
