I didn't shave. On purpose
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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