i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
