can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
