I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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