So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
