He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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