It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
