That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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