My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
