I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
