we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
