i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize