Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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