who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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