i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
