im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
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