Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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