My Higher Power is John Stamos
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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