i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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