Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
