the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
