I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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