Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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