dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
