I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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