I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize