His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
