Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
