That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize