he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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