We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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