I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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