woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize