Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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