you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
