Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
