so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
