she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
