Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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