The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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