she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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