Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
