I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
