upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
