I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize