I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
