So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize