i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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