Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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