I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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