worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
